the foster cat

I always knew someday I'd get this call

Hey babe, sooo......I'm bringing an animal home...

He explained (quickly, since I'm pretty sure he could hear my body tensing over the phone) that it was temporary,  it was a cat who'd been lost and found by some friends of ours and it needed a home until it could be found by it's owners or given a permanent family. A foster cat of sorts. The friends' other pets were not getting along with him and he needed a better place, and they had litter and food for us. Okay. I'll admit I got a little excited, a practice pet with no-strings-attached didn't sound like a bad idea, maybe even fun? But I was still terrified that all of our things would be ruined. I also just felt bad for the little thing, and either way, I knew it would be an adventure for us.

If we were going to have a cat even for a short amount of time, I wanted to name it. So I made an awesome cat name list, I'll share it with you.

Cat Names

Foster (foster cat)
Millard
Gatsby
Bono
Bjursta (our IKEA table)
Siri
Boy George
Hemingway
Katniss
Captain Moody (chosen by 3yo N♥)
Frank Sinatra
Gigabyt
Pandora
Weezy
Lunchbox
Maybe
Tumblr
Toaster
Bowie
Oates
Stewie
Doogie Meowser (definitely a favorite)

It arrived (a he) and we decided to call him Foster. He quickly stalked around the apartment, checking everything out and immediately rubbing up on us, circling our legs and purring for pets and scratches. He was working to win me over, I suspected he had been coached by my husband on the drive home and it made me smile. "I just won't let him on the couch" I said, still nervous. Then he found a perfect spot to curl up and take a nap - on the couch. I couldn't be mad at the poor kitty, he was skinny and dirty and a little scratched up from being outside. Dirty. Dirty on my couch. Oh my gosh. He cuddled with my husband who just looked so happy and comfortable with him, it was the sweetest thing. But on my couch.

This happened.

He would follow us from room to room. "Absolutely not in our bed though" I reminded Jon. When we shut everything off for the night though, Foster followed us to the bedroom. I walked him back to the living room, turned to leave him and he followed me to the room again. I ran back and forth through the hall to see what he would do - he, too, ran back and forth. I couldn't help but laugh, he was so sweet! Oh my gosh, fine just once. He <cringe> slept in our bed.

The next day, Jon had off and I came home from work with a collar for Foster. I wanted him to feel welcome and was so excited to pick out a handsome accessory for him. The boys had done great together that day and Jon was able to do his thing while Foster hung out. He also took care of the litter the whole time thank goodness. Right away too, he'd scoop it and flush it down the toilet at my request, I don't know the rules for litter in toilets but I didn't care because <gag>. I put the collar on him and found a...bug looking...thing on his neck. "Ohh my gosh...what is this. Jon what is this is this a bug looking thing on his neck?!"

"Bug looking thing, what are you talking about? Is it a bug?"

"I don't know what it is that's why I'm asking YOU!"

"Well how can I see it?"

"JUST COME HERE!"

...

"Ohh. Yeah that's a flea."

 AAAAAAHHHHH!

We raced to the pet store to get whatever we needed for the fleas. Jon, having grown up with cats was totally cool about it and knew what to do, I was FREAKING THE HELL OUT. "We're going to have to spray and comb and pick and vacuum and bomb the place twice and vacuum again and the couch our BED oh my GOSH!" <scratch scratch> "oh wait hehe, look at the kitty halloween costumes. Can we get him the Rastafarian hat?"

Snoop Lion

We bought the flea treatment that you put behind their neck, a special comb and a bottle of flea killing spray for the carpet/furniture that doubled as Febreze (yay). The cat slept in the living room that night, and the next morning I got up to immediately start the routine of combing out fleas, dead and alive. Every hour on the hour I'd comb some more, and he sat so well for his combing and cleaning I felt he deserved a treat, so I went to the grocery store and got him some Fancy Feast and a catnip toy. He had no interest in either and when I started to do the dishes and other productive things, he circled my legs, meowing like crazy so I stopped and pet him. Repeat. Repeat. I'd check to make sure if he needed anything, if he was comfortable, entertained, fed and watered, if he'd ruined anything. I'm used to babies, not animals. Obviously. Then the litter. Oh, the litter. Seriously I have been elbows deep in human shit, babies and children of all ages without a problem and for some reason I couldn't come within a few feet of this litter box without retching? I grabbed a slotted spoon (later thrown away) and quickly moved it over to a double bag, tying it off and covering it with a third bag, tying that too and then running it out to the dumpster as fast as I could. Bam. I also realized that he would fall into the box sometimes or drag his tail through "it", so I started grabbing him and wiping him off before he could contaminate everything. Seriously, nicest cat ever, any other cat would have had my eyeballs at that point.

Listen, I understand that some people, a lot of people, are very much pet people. Thank goodness for you because animals need someone! I had a dog I loved during childhood and I adore pets at other people's houses, I'm just not ready (obviously) for my own. And no, that doesn't mean I can't have children...regardless of what many misconceive, those things are not the same. Let me assure you however so no one worries, that no animals were harmed during this adventure. In fact I even kept a patient smile on the whole time out of fear that I would emotionally scar the poor thing if he sensed my stress! Good grief I don't know - do they sense stress? Kitty therapy? I don't know, cats.

Anyways, it was time for Jon to be home soon so I started to make dinner. Suddenly I was worried about kitchen safety for felines. Would he jump in the oven if I opened it? Then I decided to vacuum the carpet. I turned it on and Foster freaked out (as I assumed he would) backing into another room with his back arched and hair standing on end. I figured that would work perfectly, he'd stay in the room out of my way until I was finished. As soon as I turned around though, he decided to attack the big bad vacuum monster - jumping on me from behind, claws out. I jumped and tried to grab him off, knocked the vacuum forward and heard the worst grinding noise ever followed by smoke blowing out as I tried to shut it off. The cat sprinted out of the room as fast as he could while I surveyed the damage.

iPhone charger

My dear sweet husband came home to a really, really clean cat and a really, really frazzled wife. He loves me so, SO much apparently that he arranged to take Foster to my mother-in-law's house (aka cat resort) for the rest of his time in fosterhood, and all was right with the world again. Okay, first I cried because I felt like a horrible human being (you say you aren't a "pet person" and everyone looks at you like a monster incapable of love) then everything was right with the world.

We had a cat for exactly 48 hours, and in the end my brother-in-law wanted him so now we can visit him at his apartment anytime. Also apparently his name has been changed.

Lebowski, aka "The Dude"

a little ocd

The time and care I put into choosing things...

every.     little.     thing.

...you would think I'm marrying all of it. I hate buyers remorse and insist on loving everything before I commit. Every object, every choice, no matter how life altering or completely insignificant it would be. Jon got his first taste of this in the little apartment where we started out, when our walls were bare for a year. Before I put anything on a wall I have to shop around, screen capture from websites, clip magazine photos, pick pieces I like. I ask Jon if he likes them, decide with our budget when said pieces can be acquired, think of ways to mimic the style on a dime, do measurements and check symmetry. I mock up the finished wall in Photoshop, ask Jon if he likes it, look at it for a few days to see if I second guess or still feel the same...then decorate. I bet you're exhausted if you read that.

It drove him nuts and he didn't understand why I couldn't just walk into a Target and pick something to fill up a space. Not going to happen! He since appreciates the method to my madness and the fact that I don't just spend left and right, but still makes fun of me when I call  from Bed Bath & Beyond after staring at two different colored shower curtains for fifteen minutes. "Wine or bone?" I asked him. He laughed "That's what she said? I don't know! Both! What the hell does this have to do with showers?" Okay yeah, that afternoon was pretty damn funny. He's great too, because he let's he me make these decisions but steps in at just the right time to tell me when it's time to let it go. Finding compromise in insanity. Then when I settle he jokes "Aww, why did have you pick that one?" and hugs me quickly with a laugh when my jaw drops.

Is this really that bizarre though? Part of me says I have a screw loose, but then I think wait, doesn't everyone do this? HGTV, hello? Or maybe not, oh well.

We dated our couch for 3 years at Crate & Barrel before we bought it. I remember telling the sales people "oh thank you, that's okay, we're just here to see our couch". We'd sit on it in different positions, run our hands all over it and narrow down colors from the book of samples. We weighed the pros and cons, looked up reviews and clean care instructions. We gazed at each other starry eyed and imagined curling up with a big blanket and books, and eventually family movie nights where we all would fit comfy on the same big couch. We fell in love. <sigh> With the couch, we were already in love of course.

I've done the same amount of research for everything from the suburb we live in (ranked top 3 for the last five years) to the last $7 shirt I purchased (I can't impulse buy anymore. Did enough of that from age 18-22 to make up for a lifetime) so more recently when it came time to pick out health insurance and care providers, I dug in hard.

Funny, we were extremely lucky that my husband's employer couldn't afford to put us on his insurance, because he let us pick our own. Ohhh boy. I gave myself a headache on multiple evenings pulling up and reading, re-reading all about the difference between HMO's and PPO's, deductibles and co-pays, exclusions and pre-existing conditions (which will hopefully be wiped out completely by 2014!) and reviews about each plan. Anthem, Summa, Kaiser, MedicalMutual (villains, villains, corporate villains...sorry). For one thing, this hurt to do anyways because I'm really, really against healthcare for profit. If you've actually ever sat and read the pages and pages of details with your health insurance plan and not felt sick to your stomach, you must not understand it fully. It's really just a matter of picking the best of the worst, and never really finding out how good or bad it is until you're desperately in need. I'm so, so thankful that we got to choose what we felt was the "best of the worst" for our situation. I got teary-eyed reading the new details added to the paperwork, that the Affordable Care Act has changed horrible rules of the recent past such as life caps, pre-existing conditions in children. Bravo. I got more teary-eyed realizing this was a big step on our baby bucket list, then again remembering what we've been through without insurance paying for my cancer scares the past couple of years, and how much it's held us back. I'm going to get political for two more seconds here: This Should Not Be A Luxury. I even felt bad the week after being accepted, sometimes still, that I have this now when I don't feel I deserve it anymore than the next living human being.

Moving on though, I had to pick a family doctor. So I picked up the Cleveland Magazine Best Doctors of 2012 issue, screen captured the list of highest rated doctors under our health plan and within a certain mile radius, read all about our city's big rivalry (Clinic vs University Hospitals, of course) and made a list of doctors who I could stalk on Google. Dammit if we're going to have this first time luxury that is healthcare, we're not going to settle on any doctor. We found a guy who has pages of awards, works with men, women and children, has a long list of specialties including back pain (husband) and breast health (me) and even YouTube videos so I could see if I liked his personality. Oh, the internets. What did anyone do before? I sent my request for an appointment and now it feels like waiting for a hot crush to circle Y or N.

What if he doesn't like us? What if we don't get a call to come in? 

Any other delightfully annoying people like me out there who obsessively review check, research or obsess about every choice they make? Anyone who just has something else that makes them annoying that they'd like to admit to? I'm baring my ridiculous soul, here.

oh my gosh...

I go for too long then keep having to update.

We went on an awesome amazing incredible epic road trip around the country. Fifteen states in 15 days, I need to share those deets. I still haven't even shared Chicago! Worst blogger ever. I like focusing on the "free things" that can be done in all of the different places, so I'll come back and fill in some of that for any other interested semi-broke travelers along with other tips and such.

Husband and I fell in love with California harder than anywhere else and can't wait to go back. Somehow I knew I would feel what I felt there, and it was truly amazing. I've always thought but now nothing has ever been so clear: I'm really, really not meant to be a midwest girl.

My new favorite thing. Not convenient for a Clevelander.

I've started my first phase of nanny retirement! No longer accepting new families, those that I have now are my "graduating class" of sorts and I'll be devoting my time to them until they're mostly transitioned into school next fall. Little N&hearts; started half day preschool this year, and I really truly did not expect to cry like I did. I had joked about it, but good grief! All of the kids seemed to grow in like a week. They went back to school and that night I just fell a mess in my husband's arms with a glass of wine. Ridiculous? I still have C to light up my mornings while the rest are in school, then I go for N&hearts; when she gets out, pick up N in the afterrnoon and stay until dinner. Starting November I'll help a new additional nanny transition in and cut down my hours. The kids don't know it yet. I think they'll do fine (and me, maybe, haha) since we're not going cold turkey or anything. The families have become some of my very best friends, so I'm not "going" anywhere - Jon & I just hope to raise a family of our own in the next couple years. :) Yikes. Stay tuned?

I'm an artist.

AND finally the start of The Cleveland Nanny! I have some quite frightful stories, the worst to start with and a solid bunch of hilarious, emotional and sweet ones also. The first one is my worst experience so I decided to add a spoonful of sugar to help it go down by mixing those "chapters" with quotes and stories about N&N&hearts; It's a way for me to free-write my experiences and get some feedback. It already gets looked at way more than this haha, but I've added a link above. 

Or just check it out @ http://clevelandnannydiaries.tumblr.com/

Okay the boring part is over, update, but I enjoy looking back on what I have so far so maybe that will make me stick with it more? I really want to, even if it's just for myself. Otherwise time just starts to blend and get confusing.

let them grow

Now and then I worry...

Sweet N  ♥

"what am I possibly doing/not doing that will screw them up".

Before I can think twice about what I should have tried yesterday, it's already last week and then another year is gone. I'm not even with the children more than 30-40 hours a week, some 5 or 10, or every so often for the past two years. But I've been in their lives so long to them, when they're these little blank canvases, making somewhat of a big impact (I'd like to think) and their parents chose me over anyone else to be this person. Sometimes that's all an overwhelming thought.

They repeat everything I say and mimic everything I do. They live for my approval, waiting for the smiles and hoorays and genuine attention, just like with any other grown up in their lives. They depend on my thoughts and answers to their one billion questions a day, even when the answer is just "hmm, that's one mommy or daddy can answer for you" (then I quickly text mom to warn her so she isn't caught off guard, haha). I'm important to them, they're watching, they're listening. Sometimes it feels like do or die. Is this what being a parent feels like? It is, so I hear...good grief, I'm in for a lifetime of beautiful worry when I have my own.

At the end of each day, was I too tough? No, too soft. Maybe too tough there. Definitely a softie there, and I probably shouldn't have giggled at that one thing. Crap, I just thought of a much better answer. I totally should have done this. But it's too late, tomorrow's coming. And they won't stop growing. A whole new challenge waits every minute, which really is what I live for, have for years. I love every second. As long as I don't screw them up...

Judgement doesn't help. I hate second guessing myself. I'm confident in my decisions 90% of the time, and the parents are the best support and only judgement I need (they are so wonderful) but on a weak day our surroundings affect me. I sit at the park and watch N♥ swing happily, pumping her own feet, huge proud face (it's a new skill) and this line of pretentious moms are staring at me like I'm the lazy nanny (well, I'm usually mistaken for mom) because they choose to stand and push their kids while I sit. That's fine for them, but I know what she's capable of, her mom and dad know what she's capable of, why would I do something for her that she already knows how to do? This is where I start to question myself and I shouldn't. I'm getting paid, should I push her even if she's learning to do it herself, just to appear productive? If she wants to go "higher" or something I'll happily give her a push, but these women are just standing and pushing kids older than she is, like tired (and judgemental) robots. Like their kid is going to suffer if they sit and read while they swing.

By letting N♥ glide by herself (and snapping the occasional sweet photo for mom and dad) I'm remembering again that this is my job now - keeping her safe under my guard while stepping back and letting her grow. Sometimes she flat out tells me to let her do it herself now, and I feel a pinch of pride and a punch of sadness at the same time. Sometimes she crumbles and asks for help, and while I make sure she knows I will always be there (and will help 100% when it's indeed needed), from now on when it's something I know she can achieve alone I will simply teach with my words and encourage her through it. So far this is a huge success, but sometimes there's a fit to be had. My "mean old nanny" feeling when I explain why I won't help her is short. The look when she realizes her own abilities is priceless, and the hug I receive is my reward for not giving in. That will be the hard part this year - not giving in.

I won't do them any good if I help them with every little thing at their beck and call. But I've caught myself all year doing just that, because it seems like yesterday they were so little. Not anymore. I won't go too far though...

Later when she wanted to go high, you'd better believe I pushed then! Her laughter was hysterical, we had a blast, the annoying moms left, some cool moms came out to join and all was right with the park again! ;)

(I totally just realized what her shirt says...awesome)

excuses, excuses

My laptop crashes every three minutes, so we're finally getting it fixed (pays to have geek IT friends). Meanwhile, Jon is using the desktop web building for his new job morning day and night, and blogging on this iPhone has made my carpal tunnel flare up like craaazy (I know, lame). Please excuse any typos to follow, this is a very small screen. Blah blah blah.

home sweet apt

Since I'm still the worst and have no time to actually write about anything today (or yesterday or the day before) I'll just add some photos from last weekend's dinner with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. We're really happy with how our home has turned out, collecting things over the years.

When we first got married everything was bare, because I refuse to buy things just to have them or just to decorate/fill space. I will not buy something unless I love it, and if nothing out there fits the picture in my mind, I just wait until it comes. Our furniture = years of Christmas and birthdays. Instead of presents, when we were lucky enough to buy we'd choose to get something we needed as a family instead...$20 IKEA coffee table, ho ho ho! A five year work in progress (five years ago is when we started really dreaming and picking things out for a life together) things are really cozy now. We know IKEA doesn't last forever as many will point out, but that's part of why we like it, because we know our taste will change over the years too. That and we can afford it. That and it cleans up reeeeally easy. If one thing feels complete so far in life, it's home. Home is a good start, right?

Our Nest

Jon loves to cook and I just love to have people over, so now that we can finally really do it we're trying to book friends and family throughout the year!

Holy cannoli...

Oh look, I ended up filling an entry after all.

meeting N&N ♥

Soon enough I will "retire" and have my own babies. Meanwhile, my heart belongs to these little ones still after two years! The amount of love I've experienced with them is incredible, sometimes I could just burst. If being a mother makes me feel more full than this, and I know it will, I just don't know how I'll survive. :)

When I started, three-year-old N still had a hint of a German/British mixed accent. He would greet me in the morning with his big blue eyes and brown curly bed head in a t-shirt, briefs and Lightning McQueen slippers. It didn't take him two days to start hugging me hello (not shy at all) and he'd invite me to sit with him while he finished breakfast. Breakfast was usually an awesome European spread - french baguette, cheeses and meats, sliced tomato, crepe style pancakes. He only ate the bread and cheese. "Rocket fuel" he called it. He told me about the neighborhood, family and friends, the importance of recycling, his travels. The first time he lifted his mug of chai and said "cheers", I almost fell off my seat. Every day with him was a new awesome conversation, a new adventure.

N♥ had just turned a year old and was still taking two naps a day. I'd open the door to her room and she'd be standing in her crib with the biggest smile behind her clear plastic binky, blonde hair always perfectly tousled from sleep, big blue eyes sparkling. She bore striking resemblance to a biological Jolie-Pitt child. She just wanted to explore everything with her fairly new walking feet. Toddle and fall, toddle and fall...laugh, jump (kind of) and start over again. Taste this, bang on that. I love that age, like curious little cavemen. She was learning first words in both English and German, so I got to learn with her. I loved watching her discover and play. Both kids were (and still are) extremely cuddly so there's never a shortage of kisses and hugs. They both loved to read, take walks and laugh at even my worst jokes. Could it get better than that?

I'm so thankful for their parents, who have become incredible friends and mentors. I'm glad they took the chance at finding me and I'm glad I gave them a chance! (They were the last one...I've got hilarious and nightmarish nanny stories to tell too) They've also introduced me to others in the neighborhood, a handful of equally terrific families that I've gladly included in our time over these two years. All of the kids together make a perfect grand finale in the child care chapter of my life.

To celebrate our "nanny-versary" we had Superman ice cream. Happiness is a sticky blue face. I can't wait to see what year three brings. I only hope I've been as good to them as they've been to me!

favorite iPhone apps

Pinterest - Do I have to explain? Click for my boards, if you care :)

Pandora - I haven't listened to broadcast radio in ages. Now everyone can see my ridiculous taste (not even a smidgen of it)...

IMDB - Jon "Hey look it's Katy Perry" Me "That's Zooey Deschanel"
Him "Nah that's Katy Perry. You know, the chick from Elf" Me "What? Um, no babe"
(pull up IMDB app, instant win)

other scenario - "Omg who's that guy...in the other movie, with the thing...you know right? The one with the hair!" "I know who you're talking about I just can't...dammit!"
(pull up IMDB, save everyone from growing aneurysm)

Countdowns - I like seeing how close I am to excitement!!!

Fooducate - A grocery shopping must! Scan the barcode of a product and it gives it a health grade, plus offers suggestions on what you could try instead. It's amazing how many things are marketed to be healthy but end up being the worst! I'm also picking up a lot of awesome products I would have overlooked otherwise.

Gratitude - I'm definitely an annual victim of the winter blues. This year I discovered the Gratitude app, a really cute little way to count your blessings before bed, look over it later and feel a bit better. If I can't come up with specifics for a given day, I just put the obvious. I don't stick to it every day, or weeks even (I'm not great at that stuff...so what do I do? start a blog) but it's nice to have there and reflect on a crummy day.

111 Things - This year is our year of the BUCKET LIST, the year of "let's do whatever random things we come up with while no one else is depending on us", and this is the simplest app for it! It gives you 111 ideas and you can delete/add your own. I pretty much added all of my own, but I love that it gives you inspiration to start. When you check it off, it automatically dates it (or you can edit if you want to include things you've already accomplished, which would also be cool)

Baby Names - When the moment comes, after we've had so many conversations through the years about name ideas, I don't want to forget it all and have to start back at square one. So I carry a phone list of possibilities. We strongly agree on a few (yay!) but I won't share - we'd like to be able to keep final choices secret until birth, but we'll see how that goes (I'll bust, I'm sure). We've got some time.

Games - I don't play games that often. I do have Tiny Wings, Words With Friends, Draw Something, and Baby Monkey Riding On A Pig (a random, slap happy download and great song to annoy friends with)

Any must-have app suggestions? :)

27! the salsa birthday

First weekend of birthday fun, my favorite cousin came into town from ATL! I picked Paladar Latin Kitchen & Rum Bar for dinner, a hot Vegas or NYC style restaurant in Woodmere with amazing chips and salsa, guacamole and rum cocktails.

Before dinner our best friends Kyle and Lauren met up with us at the apartment and brought me this adorable bottle of cake flavored vodka. No kidding, it is cake. And vodka.

At the restaurant we ordered a full spread of flavored guacamoles and salsas, which change every now and then. The chips are one of my favorite things, instead of the normal, expected tortilla chips they have crisp plantains and taro. The food is a mix of all Mexican, Central and South American and my Brazilian style chicken soft tacos were a delicious crunchy nutty spicy treat! I can't believe I didn't take a picture, I always do. I was probably too into the drink of the evening, an incredible pomegranate ginger mojito garnished with a stick of sugar cane.

For birthday weekend two (the actual birthday weekend, but I like to drag my birthday out as much as I can either way) I wanted to do something new and different and found complimentary salsa dance lessons at the VIP Fortress Nightclub in Cleveland.

Kyle and Lauren came with us for this adventure. Upon walking in we were greeted by the professional instructors on the floor and asked if we were there for beginner, intermediate or advanced lessons. Us obvious beginners were taken to one side of the floor and taught the basic counts, steps and turns. The guys learned how to "hold a pizza and raise it up", spinning themselves and then us by our hands, spinning another way, and another way. We spun, missed, lost our balance, laughed, traded partners, spun some more, until we perfected our basic little routine. The instructors were great. The gentleman seemed a little envious of my husband's height while eagerly pointing out his disadvantages, but we got a laugh out of that too. The boys felt a little sick from all of the spinning so shortly after dinner, but we're excited to practice at home and go up for another lesson someday. I could have watched the advanced dancers go all night. What a fun new experience to start off year 27!

why this year is awesome

- We might get health insurance. I cried at that news. See "boob scare" in the previous entry. Not to mention we haven't wanted to start a family without it. Not to mention HEALTH INSURANCE!

- I'm starting my third year with the incredible family who I work for as a nanny. When I began with them the little boy was three, I will call him N, young names protected just because it feels right. His little sister N♥ (the heart shows the difference) had just turned one and was toddling around in diapers and Robeez. It didn't take long for them to steal my heart! Now this summer N will be six, N♥ has just turned three and the two of them continue to brighten my days with astounding conversations, lots of laughter and the added enjoyment of their neighborhood friends - M and C♥ (we'll say the heart is for girls), A, J and baby J. All of these children are incredibly well behaved, which if I get into enough stories from being a nanny over the years, you will find has not been very common. I adore the families of all of the kids. The days are exhausting, mind and body, but I definitely can't complain. This year feels like a big one though - both climbing trees, both on bicycles, both going to school in the fall - two times the worry and adventure!

- The year to get in shape. No more excuses. Running is not fun, I don't care what anyone tries to tell me. Exercise is not fun. After both though, I do feel pretty awesome. I want to be back in the shape of my life before we decide to get pregnant (and go back to square one, ha) and we both want to be happy with ourselves half-naked on the trips that we've planned...

- Traveling, finally! Jon didn't even like to talk about this a year or two back, because it was something that just wasn't in our cards. He surprised me by planning a wonderful weekend in Virginia Beach two years ago when my wanderlust spiked, but other than that, an equally short honeymoon and driving to the occasional wedding we haven't had time or money to really get away together. This year, we said to hell with it all (because sometimes it just gets to that point) and made plans to go with our best friends on a road trip across the country this summer. Fifteen states in two weeks, to California and back. Next year, hopefully the East Caribbean. Next week, Chicago. Things are happening! We have passport applications. I have a beach hat. Look out, world.

Take me away!

- Right now, everyone is happy and healthy. I have to say, unfortunately I don't always let myself enjoy this because I tend to get a lurking feeling that the next terrible thing is around the corner. I tend to get upset just thinking about things that haven't even happened yet, or remembering the feelings that we had last year and years before and how down I was. I'm working on that! Allowing myself to enjoy what's going on this year, not allowing myself to feel guilty, to worry (okay that's easier said than done - but trying!) or dwell on anything. I'm figuring myself out a little more, working on my "shell" (a lifelong process - I'm an awkward introvert/extrovert mix), working on what I'm sure is probably adult ADD, and working on not caring what other people think. I'm trying to make more time to just hang out with my parents, grandparents and brother, trying to spend a little more time with friends instead of staying in with my sweats and the Roku (still need that time too though or else I get cranky) and finally, enjoying every single day with my husband and best friend.

reasons why last year sucked

- Money and time. Jon filled in a full time Kent State schedule on top of his full time job. We stayed focused, stayed frugal, didn't have much fun. We hoped the lack of excitement in our lives would soon pay off! We were thankful for the opportunities, thankful for everything we worked for, but slightly envious at all of the big events and easy living that seemed to be going on with people our age around us. Of course nothing's as it seems, but you know how that goes.

- Cars. All of our "savings" from being frugal went back directly into cars. When this wasn't broken, that was making a funny noise. We wanted to sell our Mini Cooper (obviously an unnecessary but fun splurge) so we bought a 2000 Camry with months of saved cash. Dents and all, we didn't care, we were going to save. Then it exploded. Diagnosis: death. When the Mini beeped hello as I started it up afterward, I swear it sounded happy, like it knew we would keep it after all. Aww. We're kind of happy we got stuck with it.

- Grandpa's heart attack. When I got the call, I unfortunately can't say I was surprised. I was terribly upset, heartbroken, scared...but hardly shocked, not after Grandpa's decades of smoking and daily fast food. Family was there to do CPR and call an ambulance right away. After he made it through surgery, the doctor told him he had survived a widow maker. He was out of it for a month afterward, in an induced sleep a lot of the time because he would thrash when he woke. When he finally was recognizing us and talking, he was on the highest high from pain medication. He thought he saw a sailboat go past his door, wanted a putty knife to fix the floor tiles in the room and told me I was surrounded by the most beautiful sparkling golden "fairy diddles". All of this, while silly, was upsetting because we knew it meant he wasn't all there yet. Eventually he came home though, with lots of therapy along the way. We're very thankful for his second chance, and I'm very very thankful that he hasn't smoked a cigarette since!

- Boob scare #2. My family history is not good, and it doesn't discriminate young age. The first time was in the spring after we got engaged. The lump was found, some doctors freaked out, I got referred to a specialist, they took a needle biopsy (I've never seen so much blood come out of me) and it was cleared as a benign cyst. The news was incredibly relieving, then hearing the total costs almost made me pass out. Last year's scare got more complicated. The concern was higher, and doctors were disagreeing...never fun to be in the middle of when you just want answers. Two months of blood tests, hormone tests, an ultrasound and my first mammogram felt like a year. My friends and family were incredible, and all of the families I've worked for banded together to find connections within the Cleveland Clinic, eventually leading me to a wonderful woman's group and some financial help. The Cleveland Clinic is altogether amazing. When I was cleared again we celebrated for a week. Turns out I'm just a lumpy person, but because of my family I've been ordered to not mess with my boobs. They've become more important to my husband and I than we ever could have foreseen. Before they were just...boobs. Now they're fragile and high maintenance.

- Losing his father. We never imagined at our age we'd have to plan a funeral. We didn't expect to see it either...the moment that he died. It was an image burned into our brains, the doctors yelling and taking turns jumping on the bed to give him chest compressions. My husband's legs shook underneath him and I was prepared to catch his weight. It was the most crushing pain, that entire day. We were just so glad he had known we were there with him. The day before, everyone ever important in his life had come to visit in the hospital he had just been admitted to. I'm so thankful for that. He must have known things were bad, because he was able to tell my husband, his brothers and sister what made him proud and what he wanted for them in life. We had him cremated per his wishes, held a nice memorial and decided to take him back to Aruba someday (his annual winter hot spot). Each big day after has been a struggle for my husband. It doesn't get easier...we just get better at handling it. The photos and video we've discovered since have made for priceless moments. We just miss him so much, our family is our world and I hope we don't have another year like 2011 for a very, very, very long time.

Jon & his dad in 2010