let them grow

Now and then I worry...

Sweet N  ♥

"what am I possibly doing/not doing that will screw them up".

Before I can think twice about what I should have tried yesterday, it's already last week and then another year is gone. I'm not even with the children more than 30-40 hours a week, some 5 or 10, or every so often for the past two years. But I've been in their lives so long to them, when they're these little blank canvases, making somewhat of a big impact (I'd like to think) and their parents chose me over anyone else to be this person. Sometimes that's all an overwhelming thought.

They repeat everything I say and mimic everything I do. They live for my approval, waiting for the smiles and hoorays and genuine attention, just like with any other grown up in their lives. They depend on my thoughts and answers to their one billion questions a day, even when the answer is just "hmm, that's one mommy or daddy can answer for you" (then I quickly text mom to warn her so she isn't caught off guard, haha). I'm important to them, they're watching, they're listening. Sometimes it feels like do or die. Is this what being a parent feels like? It is, so I hear...good grief, I'm in for a lifetime of beautiful worry when I have my own.

At the end of each day, was I too tough? No, too soft. Maybe too tough there. Definitely a softie there, and I probably shouldn't have giggled at that one thing. Crap, I just thought of a much better answer. I totally should have done this. But it's too late, tomorrow's coming. And they won't stop growing. A whole new challenge waits every minute, which really is what I live for, have for years. I love every second. As long as I don't screw them up...

Judgement doesn't help. I hate second guessing myself. I'm confident in my decisions 90% of the time, and the parents are the best support and only judgement I need (they are so wonderful) but on a weak day our surroundings affect me. I sit at the park and watch N♥ swing happily, pumping her own feet, huge proud face (it's a new skill) and this line of pretentious moms are staring at me like I'm the lazy nanny (well, I'm usually mistaken for mom) because they choose to stand and push their kids while I sit. That's fine for them, but I know what she's capable of, her mom and dad know what she's capable of, why would I do something for her that she already knows how to do? This is where I start to question myself and I shouldn't. I'm getting paid, should I push her even if she's learning to do it herself, just to appear productive? If she wants to go "higher" or something I'll happily give her a push, but these women are just standing and pushing kids older than she is, like tired (and judgemental) robots. Like their kid is going to suffer if they sit and read while they swing.

By letting N♥ glide by herself (and snapping the occasional sweet photo for mom and dad) I'm remembering again that this is my job now - keeping her safe under my guard while stepping back and letting her grow. Sometimes she flat out tells me to let her do it herself now, and I feel a pinch of pride and a punch of sadness at the same time. Sometimes she crumbles and asks for help, and while I make sure she knows I will always be there (and will help 100% when it's indeed needed), from now on when it's something I know she can achieve alone I will simply teach with my words and encourage her through it. So far this is a huge success, but sometimes there's a fit to be had. My "mean old nanny" feeling when I explain why I won't help her is short. The look when she realizes her own abilities is priceless, and the hug I receive is my reward for not giving in. That will be the hard part this year - not giving in.

I won't do them any good if I help them with every little thing at their beck and call. But I've caught myself all year doing just that, because it seems like yesterday they were so little. Not anymore. I won't go too far though...

Later when she wanted to go high, you'd better believe I pushed then! Her laughter was hysterical, we had a blast, the annoying moms left, some cool moms came out to join and all was right with the park again! ;)

(I totally just realized what her shirt says...awesome)